You Become Who You Surround Yourself With
Jim Rohn said you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Look around. Who are your five? Are they challenging you to grow or enabling you to stay stuck? Are they invested in your healing or benefiting from your brokenness? These questions matter more than most of us realize. The people in your inner circle don’t just influence your mood — they shape your trajectory, your possibilities, and ultimately, your identity.
Noble connections are relationships that elevate you. Not because they’re perfect people, but because they’re committed to growth. They hold you accountable without shaming you. They celebrate your wins without jealousy. They tell you the truth even when it’s uncomfortable. They show up in crisis and in calm. These relationships feel different. After spending time with these people, you leave feeling energized rather than depleted, inspired rather than diminished, clear rather than confused.
The Courage to Evaluate
Evaluating your circle isn’t about being elitist — it’s about being intentional. (See Be Intentionally Focused). Some relationships drain you. Some relationships are neutral, neither helping nor hurting. Some relationships fill you up and push you forward. You need more of the last kind if you’re serious about growth.
Consider Isaac, who realized at thirty-two that his core friend group had remained unchanged since high school. These were the guys he’d grown up with, shared memories with, loved like brothers. But as Isaac started working on himself — addressing his anger issues, healing from his father’s absence, building his business — he noticed something troubling. Every time he mentioned therapy, his boys would mock him. When he talked about his goals, they’d remind him of his failures. When he tried to have deeper conversations, they’d redirect to gossip, complaints, or reckless plans.
Isaac didn’t want to abandon his friends. But he recognized that these relationships were keeping him tethered to an old version of himself. He made a difficult choice: he didn’t cut them off, but he diversified his circle. He joined a men’s group focused on personal development. He started attending networking events for Black entrepreneurs. He reached out to a cousin who’d been doing his own healing work.
Within a year, Isaac’s life had transformed — not because he’d abandoned his old friends, but because he’d added relationships that fed different parts of himself. He still hung out with his boys occasionally, but his inner circle now included men who talked about books, processed emotions, and held each other accountable. The contrast was stark. His old friends kept him connected to his past; his new connections pulled him toward his future.
Distinguishing Growth from Stagnation
This doesn’t mean abandoning people going through hard times. Noble connections can include people in process — in fact, the best ones do. But there’s a difference between walking with someone through their journey and being dragged through their unwillingness to change. Someone who is struggling but actively working on themselves is different from someone who is stuck and pulling you down with them.
You can love people and still recognize that they’re not healthy for your growth right now. You can wish them well from a distance. You can set boundaries without setting fires. The goal isn’t to surround yourself only with people who’ve “made it”—it’s to surround yourself with people who are genuinely trying, who take responsibility for their lives, who see growth as a lifelong journey rather than a destination.
Be the Connection You Seek
Here’s the key that many miss: don’t just look for noble connections — be one. Show up for your brothers and sisters. Have the hard conversations. Create the space you wish existed. Hold people accountable with love. Celebrate their growth without comparison. Be present in their pain without trying to fix everything. Listen more than you speak. Share your own struggles honestly.
Community isn’t always found; sometimes, it’s built. Building it requires vulnerability, consistency, and effort. You can’t expect people to show up for you if you’re unwilling to show up for them. You can’t demand truth if you’re unwilling to speak it. Noble connection is a two-way commitment.
This includes virtual connections too. Who are you following online? What podcasts fill your commute? What content are you consuming during idle moments? All of it is shaping you, often more than you realize. Curate your inputs as carefully as your in-person relationships. Unfollow accounts that trigger comparison or negativity. Seek out voices that challenge and inspire you. The digital world is part of your circle now — treat it that way.
The Transformative Power of Brotherhood
Seek brothers (and sisters) who are also doing the work. Brotherhood with others committed to healing, growth, and building is transformative. These are the people who will tell you when you’re wrong, remind you who you are when you forget, and stand with you when life gets hard. They won’t let you shrink, and they won’t let you self-destruct.
Noble connections aren’t just nice to have — they’re necessary for growth. You can’t become who you’re meant to be in isolation. Transformation happens in relationship, in the mirror that others hold up, in the accountability that comes from being witnessed.
In 1970, Marvin Gaye’s younger brother Frankie returned from Vietnam, traumatized by what he’d witnessed. Instead of dismissing his pain, Marvin listened. Really listened. Frankie shared the brutal realities of war, the violence, the confusion of Black soldiers fighting for a country that didn’t fight for them. Those brother-to-brother conversations planted seeds that grew into the masterwork, “What’s Going On”— one of the most important albums in music history.
That’s what noble connections do: they create space for truth, hold your story with care, and help birth something greater than either person could create alone. Frankie needed someone who would hear him without judgment. Marvin needed someone who would ground his art in real experience. Both were changed by the connection. Neither could have created that impact alone.
Affirm noble connections that make you better. Be the connection that makes others better. Build the brotherhood you wish you’d had. You never know when a conversation with someone in your circle might help craft what doesn’t yet exist — in you, in them, or in the world.
Fredrick Bush, LCSW, has over a decade of experience empowering Black men, women, and couples to navigate their personal growth and relationships. He is the founder of Eidolon Therapeutic Counseling, LLC (eidolon.help) and creator of the ICBM Workshop Series (icbmale.com). Bush also hosts the On Being Black Men (OBBM) podcast.
Date posted: December 22, 2025
Author: Fredrick Bush