08.10 Actively Role Model

Actively role modeling means being intentional about the lessons you’re living.  It starts with awareness: Who’s watching you?  Your biological children, yes, but the circle extends further than most men realize.  Your extended family includes nephews, younger cousins, and godchildren who look up to you.  Your professional sphere includes mentees, students, and junior colleagues observing your leadership style.  Your community includes neighborhood kids who notice how you carry yourself, young men at your church or mosque, boys on sports teams you coach.

All of them are learning from you, whether you’ve accepted the role or not.  Positive influence doesn’t require perfection—it requires consciousness.  Once you recognize your sphere of influence, you can become intentional about what you’re teaching through your daily actions.

Jason is an uncle to three nephews whose father had left when they were young.  For years, he kept his struggles private, believing he needed to project strength for the boys.  Jason never talked about his anxiety, his therapy sessions, or his challenges at work.  He thought he was protecting them by showing only success.

Then his oldest nephew, seventeen-year-old Jaylen, started having panic attacks but refused help, insisting he could handle it alone.  When Jason finally convinced him to talk, Jaylen said, “Men in our family don’t need that stuff.  We just push through and conquer.”

Jason realized his silence had taught exactly what he’d hoped to prevent.  His nephews had learned that real men don’t struggle—or if they do, they suffer silently. Jason made a decision that changed everything: he started being honest.  He told his nephews about his therapy journey.  He shared how he’d learned to manage his anxiety.  Jason talked about times he’d failed and what he’d learned.

The transformation was remarkable.  Jaylen started seeing a counselor.  His younger nephews began opening up about their own challenges.  Jason hadn’t become weaker in their eyes—he’d become more trustworthy because he was real.  His willingness to model the struggle, not just the success, gave them permission to be human.

Here are five Specific Areas for Intentional Modeling you can begin using now:

1. Model the struggle, not just the success. Don’t just show them the wins—show them the work behind them.  Let them see you apologize when you’re wrong.  Let them know you’re in therapy working on yourself.  Let them watch you ask for help when you need it. This is how you break generational cycles and stop generational trauma—by modeling what healing looks like, not just performance.  When they see you doing the inner work, they learn that growth is lifelong and that seeking help is wisdom, not weakness.

2. Role model healthy relationships. How you speak to your partner teaches them how partners should be treated.  Do you speak with respect even during disagreements?  Do you listen as much as you talk?  How you handle conflict shows them that disagreement doesn’t mean disaster—that two people can navigate differences without destruction.  How you show affection demonstrates that love includes tenderness, not just provision.  Let them see you be gentle.  Let them witness you being supportive.  These lessons about healthy masculinity will shape how they show up in their own relationships.

3. Role model emotional intelligence. Name your feelings aloud: “I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a few minutes to cool down before we talk.”  This teaches them that emotions are normal and manageable, and that emotionally healthy people regulate themselves before responding.  When you model emotional awareness, you’re giving them tools for their own emotional wellness—tools many men never received.

4. Role model accountability. When you mess up—and you will—own it completely.  Apologize sincerely without making excuses. Make amends through changed behavior.  Show them that mistakes don’t define you, but how you respond to them does.  This teaches them that integrity matters more than image, and that growth requires honesty about your shortcomings.  Accountability modeling is one of the most powerful lessons you can offer.

5. Role model self-care and boundaries. Let them see you rest without guilt.  Show them what it looks like to say no to protect your peace.  Demonstrate that taking care of your mental health and physical wellbeing isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.  Too many young Black men learn that their value lies only in what they produce. Model that your worth exists independent of your productivity.