Your Emotions Are Information, Not Weakness
Emotional strength isn’t about not feeling — it’s about feeling fully and moving forward anyway. It’s not about suppressing or controlling emotions but understanding and channeling them. Yet we’ve been taught the opposite: that emotions are weakness, that feelings are for women and “that a man ain’t supposed to cry (Temptations, 1968). This toxic messaging about masculinity has robbed generations of men from accessing their full humanity.
This lie is killing us. Literally. Suppressed emotions manifest as high blood pressure, heart disease, chronic stress, substance abuse, and suicide. Black men die from heart disease at significantly higher rates than other groups, and emotional suppression is a contributing factor. The cost of emotional silence is too high, and we’ve been paying it for generations. It’s time to reclaim our emotional wellness as part of our overall mental health journey.
Recognizing Your Emotional Intelligence
Holding space for emotional strengths means first recognizing that you have them. You feel deeply — joy, grief, fear, love, anger, disappointment. These aren’t flaws in your masculinity; they’re evidence of your humanity. The goal isn’t to eliminate emotions but to develop emotional intelligence — the ability to recognize, understand, and skillfully navigate your inner emotional landscape.
Think of emotions as a sophisticated internal guidance system. Just as physical pain tells you something needs attention in your body, emotional responses tell you something needs attention in your life. Ignoring either leads to bigger problems. The man who dismisses chest pain might have a heart attack. The man who dismisses emotional pain might find himself divorced, estranged from his children, or drowning in addiction — all without understanding how he got there.
The Power of Emotional Granularity
Start by naming what you feel with specificity. Not just “I’m stressed” or “I’m angry,” but the nuanced truth: disappointed, overwhelmed, anxious, lonely, excited, grateful, resentful, hopeful, ashamed, proud. You can’t work with what you won’t name. Emotional granularity — the ability to make fine distinctions between feelings — is your superpower for self-awareness and personal growth.
Most men operate with an emotional vocabulary of about five words: fine, angry, tired, stressed, good. This limited vocabulary keeps you trapped in broad categories that obscure what’s actually happening inside you. “I’m angry” might actually be “I’m hurt that my contribution wasn’t acknowledged” or “I’m afraid I’m losing control” or “I’m ashamed that I made a mistake.” Each of these requires different responses, but if all you can identify is “anger,” you’ll respond the same way regardless of the actual need.
Donnell, a forty-year-old contractor who came to therapy after his wife threatened to leave, began his first session with, “I have anger issues.” “I just explode over nothing.” But as Donnell started tracking his emotions with more precision, a different picture emerged. His “explosions” almost always followed moments when he felt disrespected or dismissed — by his wife, his crew, his clients. What he’d labeled as anger was actually a mixture of hurt, shame, and fear of inadequacy.
Once Donnell could name what he was actually feeling, he could address the real issue. Instead of exploding when his wife questioned a decision, he could say, “When you second-guess me, I feel like you don’t trust my judgment, and that hurts.” That kind of emotional expression opened dialogue instead of shutting it down. His wife could respond to hurt in ways she couldn’t respond to rage. Donnell wasn’t less emotional — he was more emotionally intelligent. And his marriage was transformed because of it.
Emotions as Messengers
Understand what emotions are telling you. Anger often signals a boundary violation or injustice that needs addressing. Anxiety suggests something matters deeply to you or that you’re facing uncertainty about something important. Sadness points to loss that needs grieving or values that aren’t being honored. Fear indicates perceived danger — sometimes real, sometimes imagined, but always worth examining. Emotions are messengers carrying important information about your needs, values, and experiences. Begin listening to them instead of continuing to ignore them.
This is particularly crucial for Black men navigating environments where your emotions are policed and misread. The anger you feel about systemic injustice is valid. The anxiety you carry about being stereotyped is real. The grief you hold for generational trauma deserves acknowledgment. These emotions aren’t weaknesses — they’re appropriate responses to difficult realities. Healing comes not from suppressing these feelings but from understanding them and channeling them purposefully.
Emotional Alchemy
Channel emotions constructively. Feel the anger, then use it to fuel change instead of destruction. Acknowledge the fear, then move forward anyway. Sit with the grief, then let it soften you instead of hardening you. This is emotional alchemy — transforming raw feeling into purposeful action. It’s what turns pain into advocacy, loss into wisdom, and struggle into strength. At this level, Don Miguel Ruiz’s “Four Agreements” offers a powerful framework for this alchemy:
Be impeccable with your word — especially when naming your emotions. Say “I feel angry” instead of “You made me angry.” Own your feelings without weaponizing them. This isn’t just semantics; it’s taking responsibility for your emotional experience while still communicating your needs clearly.
Don’t take things personally — recognize that your emotional reactions often have more to do with your history than the present moment. Someone’s behavior might trigger you, but the wound was already there, waiting to be activated. This awareness creates space between stimulus and response.
Don’t make assumptions — about what you’re feeling or why. Get curious instead of jumping to conclusions. Is it really anger, or is it hurt underneath? Is it actually about this moment, or does it connect to something older? Self-reflection reveals layers that reactivity obscures.
Always do your best — with your emotions in this moment, knowing your best will look different on different days. Some days, emotional regulation comes easily. Other days, you’re running on empty and your best is simply not exploding. Giving grace to yourself on occasion is part of the journey.
Creating Outlets for Expression
Create outlets for emotional expression: therapy, journaling, art, music, movement or conversations with other trusted brothers on the same healing journey, can all work. Don’t let emotions stagnate inside you. They need somewhere to go. Unexpressed emotions don’t disappear — they accumulate, ferment, and eventually leak out in destructive ways or manifest as physical illness.
When you express impeccably — honestly but not harmfully — you honor both the feeling and the people around you. You can be angry without being abusive. You can be hurt without being vindictive. You can be afraid without being paralyzed. This is the practice of emotional wellness.
Modeling for the Next Generation
Model this for others, especially younger men watching how you navigate the world. Let them see you feel. Let them know it’s okay to struggle. Let them learn that emotional strength includes vulnerability, not just stoicism. Show them what it looks like to do your best with emotions — naming them, processing them, using them wisely.
When a young man sees you say, “I’m disappointed this didn’t work out, but I learned something valuable,” he learns that setbacks don’t have to be suppressed. When he sees you apologize after losing your temper, he learns that emotional intelligence includes accountability. When he sees you cry at a funeral, he learns that grief is human, not shameful.
Your emotions are part of your power. They connect you to your humanity, inform your decisions, deepen your relationships, and fuel your purpose. Hold space for them. Honor them. Use them wisely — with agreements that keep you grounded in truth. The journey to emotional intelligence isn’t about becoming less of a man, it’s about becoming your maximum self. Keep crafting the way to you.
Fredrick Bush, LCSW, has over a decade of experience empowering Black men, women, and couples to navigate their personal growth and relationships. He is the founder of Eidolon Therapeutic Counseling, LLC (eidolon.help) and creator of the ICBM Workshop Series (icbmale.com). Bush also hosts the On Being Black Men (OBBM) podcast.
Date posted: December 18, 2025
Author: Fredrick Bush